Friday, January 7, 2011

It's not getting easier...

I survived your wake and funeral. Crying at both, but holding myself together as best I could. Some of your friends that I hadn't seen in awhile, saw me, hugged me and we cried together. Grown men, strong men - crying in my arms continued to break my heart, because I know how much pain they are in. Weird, but the people I can't cry around, or at least try not to, are my family members. I know how much my pain and tears hurt them - and having them hurt, then hurts me... it's a vicious cycle.

Yesterday I thought I was doing better... I ate, watched movies, laid around all day with Spider Pig. (Rocky). I didn't cry all day, until 6pm - someone text me and said to let them know if there is anything they can do, my first thought was "can you bring him back to me?" - and I lost it.

I couldn't fall asleep last night, but once I did, if I moved and woke, my mind would automatically be thinking about you and then it would take awhile to fall asleep again. I was supposed to go to work today... but I couldn't get out of bed.

I don't know what the stages of grief are - I'm sure denial is a big one. I think that is where I am at - complete and total denial. A white truck drives by and I look to see if it's you... I wanted to call your number yesterday to hear your voice, and hope that you would answer the way you always did when I called, with a drawn out "DDDOOOORRRRKKK".

I think about you non-stop. I just don't want to say goodbye... but eventually I know in order to move on from this, I will have too.
It will get easier, eventually, right?

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