Friday, November 19, 2010

Religious, not really.

I would not consider myself a religious person. Born, raised, baptized and confirmed Catholic - growing up I went to church on Sundays and religious education on Wednesdays.
I never really LIKED church or the standing, kneeling, being quiet for 45 minutes and 'paying attention' the whole time. The sermons never really 'spoke' to me when I was young. The end of my 8th grade year, I had a falling out with God. My friends mom was murdered and everything in my safe world was shattered, all my friends were changed. I blamed God. I stopped believing that he was all-mighty and loving and caring, because if that were true this murder would have never happened.
At some point as I got older I needed God, needed something to hold on to and believe in. So God and I started our very own, very different relationship. We agreed that I would do my best and he agreed to always love me, even if I didn't go to church, talk to him, pray to him or talk about him. We have our own special relationship.
A couple years ago I really wanted a necklace with a cross on it. Something plain, simple and nothing that screamed I was a holy person. The cross to me symbolized that I was protected. That something or someone was watching over me and keeping me safe. It was my binky, my blankie or whatever it is people hold to be comforted. I don't wear it as much anymore… but I'm thinking I should. The power of believing in something, truly and deeply is amazing.
The point of my 'religious' ramblings is: yesterday, for the longest time in my life, I caught myself praying to God. I didn't do the sign of the cross, Father, Son and Holy ghost bit, I simply said "God, please help her, she deserves this".
I really hope he heard me.

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