I've been having a rough couple of days. I think I'm making myself sick thinking about you, I can't get out of bed and all week I have been feeling awful, sick, headaches - but no real illness.
I don't know how to explain to people the loss I have suffered - the whole world has suffered. "Shake the hand that shook the world". Who says that!?!?.... You did, and everyone would laugh. It's true though, you shook the world.
I love you… I loved you way more then I should have just being your friend and all. I hung on your every word and when I was with you, I felt more like the person I wanted to be then when I was with anyone else. I love southern Iowa and loved every minute we spent there in Gods Country. Four wheelers, dirt, Busch Light, greasy food and great people.
I was always safe with you - even if we were in a very unsafe situation. I never had to worry when I was with you, you took care of me in your own way. You loved me in your own way.
When we lived together as roommates, you said our relationship was unhealthy, jokingly. You'd bring a random home from the bar, but in the morning you and I would go to breakfast together, lay around watching football together. We'd sit on the deck all night with Mike and Kristen, drinking beer and we'd listen to your stories - laughing… so much laughing. If you'd come home from the bar without a random, you'd climb in bed with me, tell me stories about your night and we'd sleep next to each other. Unhealthy? Maybe - but it worked for us. Us in a relationship never worked, but us as friends was a deep and loving understanding of each other.
It's been 4 weeks. I don't cry as much or as hard as I once did, but some thoughts that enter my mind about you make me tear up. The majority of the time though, thoughts of you make me laugh and smile.
This week however, everything has caught up with me and I could seriously curl into a ball and never leave my house. I'm trying to be strong and not talk about you all the time. I'm trying to be happy and more open to new things - like you would want me to be.
But my thoughts always come back to the fact that you are no longer here and I will never see you again. I will never see you again…that is very hard to grasp.