Wednesday, March 9, 2011

He came to me in my dream....

I was in a building; maybe a new, clean barn, where I could see all the way up through the rafters.

I was about 40 feet from a picnic table where Brendan was sitting facing out towards me. He had on his dark zip up vest with a plaid shirt underneath it, his Cubs hat and his cowboy boots. There were other people in and around the barn area but I don’t know who they were.

Diana, Brendan’s girlfriend at the time of his death, walked by and said “I want to be an architect”, this whole time I was slowly getting closer to Brendan. I looked off to the side and Diana was building a building out of Lego’s.

I was now right next to Brendan and I bent down to give him a hug, as we were in the embrace I whispered “I love you” in his ear, and he whispered “I love you, too” back.

And then I woke, with a smile on my face – until I realized it wasn’t real – and I began to sob.

Thinking of it now makes me cry. I’m not sure why exactly. I know Brendan loved me, he didn’t say it often, but when I would say it to him, he’d always say it back – even when we were ‘just friends’. He wasn’t the type who used the "l" word on a whim. He said it only when he really meant it.

I’ve wanted to long to have Brendan visit me in my dreams. To ‘feel’ him near me and this dream was exactly that. I’m glad that in my dream I felt close to him, but now it just makes me want it more.

I tried to fall back asleep, positioned myself how I was when I had dreamt of him; tried to think about what I had thought about before I had fallen asleep – anything to try to get him back in my dreams.

It didn’t work; I woke up sad, frustrated and yet happy at the same time – because I know that I was loved by Brendan.

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