Well. All the weight I lost before my 30th bday, I have now put back on.
I have always been an emotional eater. If I’m sad I eat. If I’m mad, I eat. If I’m happy, tired, sick, giddy, frustrated, stressed, depressed, hung over, lonely, I eat. I surround my life with food.
I go to bed thinking about what I will have for breakfast. I eat breakfast, thinking about what I will have for lunch. Lunch isn’t even all the way gone and I’m thinking about dinner. If I make plans with friends, it involves drinking and food. Dinners out, lunches out – lets meet for a drink, then get hungry and order food. I end up going out to eat a lot with friends and I don’t order something healthy. It’s usually a pasta dish, with alfredo sauce, with extra cheese.
I try not to buy a lot of bad food from the grocery store. I go to the store buy fruits and veggies, but they just sit in my fridge and go bad. I thought I did very well breaking these habits, letting myself have some good stuff every once in a while, but keeping up with the working out and smart food choices.
Then Brendan died.
I didn’t eat for a week or more after he died – drank plenty of beer though. Then emotional eating set in. I would make a meal of some sort of pasta, eat more than I should, then have a bowl or two of cereal, and then some ice cream. Yes, that is a true story. My will power has left the building.
I’m disgusted with myself 90% of the time. I know maintaining a certain weight or look is about moderation and exercise. Both of those things have ceased in my life. The way I talk to myself, is horrible. I would NEVER let anyone else talk to me this way, yet I beat myself up constantly. I haven’t done anything to fix it though.
I need something to shake me out of this funk and get me in the gym again, but only I will be able to do that for myself. I have had plenty of friends try to get my back in the workout groove, but until I get it through my head, I’m going to feel this way and I’m sick of it.
WAKE UP HOLLY!