Friday, June 3, 2011

Enough already.

In my whole 30 years of life I've probably been to.... 5 - 6 funerals. I remember my friends mom funeral 8th grade year, another friends moms funeral sometime in high school and then my friends sisters in 2007ish.... I'm sure there were ones I went to when I was younger like my G-ma and G-pa Moeller - but I don't recall these...

In less then 6 months I have been to 3 funerals. My dearest wonderful friend Brendan's whose death still haunts me every day. I realtor who I didn't know, who was murdered, but a friend needed my support so I went. She was 27, beautiful and from everything I heard a great person. The service for this girl was hard, and I didn't even know her.

Last weekend we went to Texas for my Grandma Fredericks funeral. When I found out she passed, I was at work, I didn't cry. I pushed it out of my head and really didn't tear up again until I saw all my aunts and uncles. I was so sad for them because they lost their mother, I can't imagine.... I have still not cried, tears, red face, but not an all out crying. I keep thinking there is something wrong with me. But again, I haven't really thought about the fact that she is gone.
I won't hear her laugh again. I won't get to have her do the chicken dance at my wedding and my kids (if I have any), will never meet their great-grandma. The eulogy my Uncle David gave was amazing, he got choked up a couple times, but was able to power through it. My Grandma was not perfect, but she was an amazing woman.

I haven't talked to any family members about it really... and I don't know exactly how my mom is feeling - maybe I am selfish.... but seeing my mom hurt, upset or crying is something I just can't handle, because it breaks my heart. Maybe I also am avoiding thinking of it, because I just don't have the strength to deal with the emotions I know will come with that. I still have a hard time dealing with the death of Brendan which was months ago... Crap.

Enough already. I went 30 years with so few bad things happening to me or my family and in 6 months time I've been thrown through the fire too many times.

I will miss my grandma, her Big Red gum and socks on her arms.

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