Good Ol' Times

I got off work early on Friday and headed to Iowa City with some girl friends. We stopped in Williamsburg, where I decided to shop like I actually had money. I should have thought that through, since I had to take Jessica's car to Iowa City since I was informed mine was not going due to the very loud noise it was making. I didn't think it was a big deal.. it was just loud as I went faster, I figured that the car is 11 years old... (It's only going to cost $352.81 to fix).
Well, after an afternoon of shopping, some good ol' girl time and then the husbands met us girls out. Tami and Todd, Melissa and Curt, Aimee and me. :)
I drank tooooo much and felt very old at all the college town bars we went to, but it was a blast to get out and hang with my wonderful, loving, caring friends!

When I got back in town on Saturday (my friends stayed till Sunday), I pulled in my drive and saw that someone put on my new screen door that I bought back in August - but no one could ever put it on for me. It makes the side of my house look better I think! It was a surprise from a boy.... Mike. He's spoiling me and being really great - even being understanding when I need time to myself or need to talk about Brendan. I was very surprised and happy about my new screen door.

Yesterday I made banana bread, cleaned and watched the movie The Town, which I really liked.

The weather is supposed to get pretty bad here, which I won't complain about because compared to last winter, this one has been short and sweet. Just about a month and a half left before we start to see real signs of spring!

It's been a hard few days...

I've been having a rough couple of days. I think I'm making myself sick thinking about you, I can't get out of bed and all week I have been feeling awful, sick, headaches - but no real illness.
I don't know how to explain to people the loss I have suffered - the whole world has suffered. "Shake the hand that shook the world". Who says that!?!?.... You did, and everyone would laugh. It's true though, you shook the world.
I love you… I loved you way more then I should have just being your friend and all. I hung on your every word and when I was with you, I felt more like the person I wanted to be then when I was with anyone else. I love southern Iowa and loved every minute we spent there in Gods Country. Four wheelers, dirt, Busch Light, greasy food and great people.
I was always safe with you - even if we were in a very unsafe situation. I never had to worry when I was with you, you took care of me in your own way. You loved me in your own way.
When we lived together as roommates, you said our relationship was unhealthy, jokingly. You'd bring a random home from the bar, but in the morning you and I would go to breakfast together, lay around watching football together. We'd sit on the deck all night with Mike and Kristen, drinking beer and we'd listen to your stories - laughing… so much laughing. If you'd come home from the bar without a random, you'd climb in bed with me, tell me stories about your night and we'd sleep next to each other. Unhealthy? Maybe - but it worked for us. Us in a relationship never worked, but us as friends was a deep and loving understanding of each other.
It's been 4 weeks. I don't cry as much or as hard as I once did, but some thoughts that enter my mind about you make me tear up. The majority of the time though, thoughts of you make me laugh and smile.

This week however, everything has caught up with me and I could seriously curl into a ball and never leave my house. I'm trying to be strong and not talk about you all the time. I'm trying to be happy and more open to new things - like you would want me to be.
But my thoughts always come back to the fact that you are no longer here and I will never see you again. I will never see you again…that is very hard to grasp.

:-)

"I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything"

Black Ice

I had my first run in with black ice this morning. I guess I've made it 14 years with out having to deal with it, so I shouldn't complain. It was a little scary though. I didn't spin out or anything, but I could feel at 50 miles an hour on I-235 that I was pretty much sliding. After that I slowed to about 45 - going with the speed of traffic (being tailgated by a truck, which made me even more on edge). I hit more black ice under a bridge, but all was well.
I believe I am a pretty good driver for the most part. I do have occasional road rage...

I decided that black ice is not my friend and no longer welcome when I am driving. I can't wait till it's above freezing so we can show that black ice who's boss.

Presley Grace

I watched Presley from 8:44am Saturday morning till about 12:38pm Sunday afternoon.I wasn't nervous, I knew I could handle her. Plus, it was a great distraction from the previous weeks events.

When she realized both her parents had left, she ran to her room, went in her closest and closed the door. I went in her room, looking at the closed closet door, hearing her cry - and I started to cry too. "Presley… it's ok!" I cried… I opened the door, and she looked at me, tears running down her cheeks and mine and she raised her arms for me to pick her up. I melted… pulled myself together and got ready for a play date.

We went to my friend Michelle's house to play with her two boys, Drew and Dylan. Drew is about 4, Dylan is 21 months or so… a little younger then Presley. We got there about 10:30 - lunch at 12, left about 12:45ish. She didn't leave my lap or my side until about 10 minutes before we were going to leave and only because she wanted to climb the stairs…. She takes awhile to warm up to people, but seriously? Drew and Dylan have some AWESOME toys...I enjoyed playing with them. :)

Sunday we got up, ate breakfast, played, got her ready for the day in her packers gear, ate lunch then headed to my mom's for Presley to nap, and for me to watch some football with the family. I hadn't done anything with myself, looked pretty shitty actually and I was feeling very sad. When we got to my parents house, I put Presley on the couch near my mom, took off her coat and mittens and went to go put them in the other room, when I walked away, Presley started crying for me! I went back in the room and picked her up, staring to cry myself - cause I do that a lot lately. I had her in my arms and it was the best feeling. She needed me and she wanted me. That hasn't happened much in her life, and giving the timing, it was the perfect time for me to be needed.

No doubt kids are a lot of work, and I do not hear a biological clock ticking - at all. But the feeling of being needed, being completely responsible for someone is a great feeling. Maybe someday that clock will start ticking in me….

Mark Twain's Huck Finn

Mark Twain's Huck Finn:
Did you know that they are republishing this book with out the "N" word? They changed the word to "slave". I could get pretty heated in a discussion on this...
If we are going to go back and change the words that are no longer politically correct in books, we'll be re-writing history. If a child read this book and was offended by the "N" word, I can understand, but that is history. It is the word that was used in that time. It's a horrible word, I hate when it's said in movies, music, even books - but it's my choice to watch, listen or read those things. I do NOT think changing that word is the right thing to do.
What words will they have to change next - to remain politically correct?

I would like all books that call a white person cracker - rewritten to say Caucasian or of European decent.

Seriously people... aren't there more important things in the CURRENT world to try to fix? Do we really need to try to 'fix' history?

Tomorrow

Back to working out and work tomorrow.
I will get out of bed, I will work out hard and I will be very busy at work.
I will make myself presentable, pull myself together and remain focused.
I will concentrate on the task at hand.
I will chat with people, smile at people and laugh when something is funny.
I will do all of this as best I can, but I know I will be thinking of you every second of the day.

It's not getting easier...

I survived your wake and funeral. Crying at both, but holding myself together as best I could. Some of your friends that I hadn't seen in awhile, saw me, hugged me and we cried together. Grown men, strong men - crying in my arms continued to break my heart, because I know how much pain they are in. Weird, but the people I can't cry around, or at least try not to, are my family members. I know how much my pain and tears hurt them - and having them hurt, then hurts me... it's a vicious cycle.

Yesterday I thought I was doing better... I ate, watched movies, laid around all day with Spider Pig. (Rocky). I didn't cry all day, until 6pm - someone text me and said to let them know if there is anything they can do, my first thought was "can you bring him back to me?" - and I lost it.

I couldn't fall asleep last night, but once I did, if I moved and woke, my mind would automatically be thinking about you and then it would take awhile to fall asleep again. I was supposed to go to work today... but I couldn't get out of bed.

I don't know what the stages of grief are - I'm sure denial is a big one. I think that is where I am at - complete and total denial. A white truck drives by and I look to see if it's you... I wanted to call your number yesterday to hear your voice, and hope that you would answer the way you always did when I called, with a drawn out "DDDOOOORRRRKKK".

I think about you non-stop. I just don't want to say goodbye... but eventually I know in order to move on from this, I will have too.
It will get easier, eventually, right?

When You Come Back to Me Again

On a prayer,
In a song,
I hear your voice,
And it keeps me hanging on.
Oh, raining down, against the wind.
I’m reaching out,
‘Till we reach the circle’s end.
When you come back to me again.

There’s a moment,
Where we all come to.
In our own time and in our own space.
Where all that we’ve done,
We can undo,
If our hearts’ in the right place.

And again I see,
My yesterday’s in front of me,
Unfolding like a mystery.
You’re changing all that is and used to be.

On a prayer,
In a song,
I hear your voice,
And it keeps me hanging on.
Oh, raining down, against the wind.
I’m reaching out,
‘Till we reach the circle’s end.
When you come back to me again.
When you come back to me again.
~Garth Brooks

Brendan B. Mahoney

There are no words that could possibly describe how I have felt

since I got the news that you died.
I find it hard to breathe.
It's impossible to concentrate.
I never knew what a broken heart was until I was told you were gone.
Your smile, your laugh.
So many great memories.
The memories sneak up on me, catch me off guard, and I double over in pain.
So many people knew and loved you.
Even though I haven't seen you often lately,

just knowing you were alive in this world made it ok.
I don't have that to hang on to now.
It's a friendship I will never forget, and you are someone I can never replace.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
You are my angel now.
I love you. I love you. I love you

Rest in Peace my friend.

Weeping Willow

Weeping willow with your tears running down, why do you always weep and frown?
Is it because he left you one day? Is it because he could not stay?
On your branches he would swing, do you long for the happiness that day would bring?
He found shelter in your shade, he thought his laughter would never fade.
Weeping willow stop your tears, for there is something to calm your fears,
You think death has ripped you forever apart, but I know he'll always be in your heart.

~ not my own words, but the most accurate for how I feel.